Do You Have a Borderline Low Thyroid?

The thyroid gland is extremely important, and your health can improve if your thyroid is treated and supported properly.

When thyroid medication is given in the correct dosage, a patient's energy level, depression level, cravings and patience are improved.

Let me start from the beginning. TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) is the most common thyroid test. The normal scale for a TSH result is .5 to 5 (sometimes .5 to 5.5). This means that when your doctor tests your TSH level, if the result comes back in between those two numbers, they tell you your "results were normal" and that's the end of it.

Don't stop there!

What I would suggest to you is to call your doctor's office, ask the nurse to look up the test results for the TSH level on your chart (assuming you've had your thyroid tested--if not, get it tested) and find out what your number came back as.

Most people do best with a number between 1 and 2. If yours came up as a 3 or 4, you are borderline deficient in your thyroid gland.

This is going to deplete your energy, add to your depression, make losing weight nearly impossible, and increase your irritability.

If you are borderline deficient, you have two options:

1) Go on thyroid medication.

2) Work at rejuvenating your thyroid's ability to function on its own.

The first option may necessitate that you take thyroid medication for the rest of your life. And it can be a long process to find the right dose, because most doctors want you to be on a dose for 2 months before getting retested. Then you have to adjust from there.

There are better methods for finding the right dose for you. If you are on the correct dosage, there are little or no side effects to thyroid medication, so this may be the route you wish to go.

But here's a warning: when you start taking any thyroid medication, your body will shut down its own production of thyroid hormone, so that you will eventually need to take more and more until you've basically replaced most of your body's natural production of thyroid hormone. This is why, once you go on medication, you will most likely need to stay on it for good.

One more note on thyroid medication. If you do take thyroid medication, I recommend that you ask for Armour Thyroid medication. It is a natural thyroid medication from an animal source that has T3 and T4 thyroid in it.

Most synthetic thyroid medications have only T3, which your body needs to convert to T4, in order to utilize it. If your body isn't converting T3 to T4 well, the thyroid medications that provide only T3 will not work well for you, either.

I recommend the book "Thyroid Power: Ten Steps to Total Health" by Richard Shames and Karilee H. Shames. This book will help you and your doctor decide which thyroid tests to conduct and how to interpret test results to find the very best level for you. It also goes into more complicated issues like having high anti-thyroid antibodies.

No matter which direction you take as a result of a thyroid test, be sure to do your research and find the best solution for you.

Depression - A Simple Natural Cure For All

It was given to British children as a supplement during the war due to its high vitamin content for its overall health benefits and was a grandmothers favourite today, new research shows that it also combats and reduces depression.

The supplement is:

Cod liver oil - and it works due to high concentration of omega 3 fatty acids, which are a major component of cod liver oil.

Omega 3 has great overall health benefits anyway and is said to help in terms of improving brain power reducing the risk of heart attacks and strokes and protecting against other diseases such as cancer.

Now doctors are seeing its benefits to naturally cure depression.

A recent test looked at studying the health benefits of over 20,000 patients over the age of 40 and showed that those patients that rarely or only had marginal omega 3 consumption suffered more from: Depression, stress and anxiety.

Those who consumed cod lever oil regularly, were 30% less likely to suffer from depression.

The test was carried out by Haukland University Hospital - Bergen in Norway.

The conclusion was, that it was the omega 3 component that made the difference between the subjects of the test in terms of their likelihood to suffer the blues.

Getting Sufficient Omega 3

Of course, you can get omega 3 by consuming 3 - 4 portions of oily fish per week such as:

Mackerel, sardines, trout and salmon, but the majority of people simply don't consume enough.

The recommended daily dosage is 0.5 mgs per day and if you don't consume a lot of oily fish, take an omega 3 supplement such as cod liver oil.

You Are What You Eat

You are what you eat and your mental and physical wellbeing is affected by the fuel you give your body.

There are a number of foods you can take that will make you feel better and omega 3 is just one of them, that can help combat depression ( see our other articles for more foods to fight the blues ) and also have a positive affect on overall health.

Another benefit is that a supplement such as cod liver oil can not only provide immense health benefits, but its cheap to.

Grandmothers Remedy

So if you want to feel better and be healthier, increase your intake of oily fish, to get your omega 3 levels up, or take a supplement such as cod liver oil.

My grandmother used to swear by it and in hindsight she was right - get more omega 3 in your diet and feel the difference.

Treating Mental Health and Forensic Populations

No longer is it possible to assess and/or treat a mental health population without also interfacing with forensic issues such as legal infractions, Courts, violence, sexual behavior problems, delinquency, crime, Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity, substance abuse, and others. The training and approaches to the mental health population is different than that for a forensic population. So what is to be done, if a person has both issues? We must be cross trained for dually affected clients.

How Are the Populations Different

A Mental Health population is comprised primarily Axis I disorders, such as Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Major Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety Disorders. Daily functioning is on a continuum. Recovery is quick for some and slow for others and is also on a continuum. Well controlled intermittent, mild to moderate episodes of a mood or anxiety disorder will not necessarily interfere with daily functioning. Someone with severe, chronic Schizophrenia or Mood Disorder requiring periodic hospitalizations and extensive community support, will have impairment in daily functioning. Goals for these folks are often pro-social and involve being an active member of society. A therapist can be fairly sure that the mental health client without forensic issues will be relatively honest in his or her interactions and the therapist can take most of what he/she says at face value. An emphasis on a strengths model works well when no personality disorder is involved.

A forensic population can be defined as having personality disorders, interpersonal difficulties, behavioral problems, multiple problems and life long courses of various levels of dysfunction or difficulty. Again, this population fills the full spectrum of effective daily functioning. However, social functioning is often the most severe impairment. There are issues of trust, appropriate relationships, ego centrism, moral development, honesty, manipulation, and danger to self and others. They often have a negative view of themselves and others, especially authority figures. Moral development is often delayed leaving them at the egocentric stage of development. This means that what serves the self is what matters and empathy for others and the ability to have an honest relationship with another person may not yet have developed. Their goals are often self-serving.

The capacity to understand the importance of the best interest of the group through laws and rules that we voluntarily follow, may not be well understood. Many, if not most, have histories of childhood abuse, neglect, or exposure to domestic violence. The assessment and interventions with this population is necessarily different that those for a people with no Axis II disorder or trait. The people with forensic issues do not always tell the truth because of their lack of trust in relationships. The therapist cannot take what he/she says at face value. The therapist must separate the sincere from the manipulative moves for self-gain. The internal boundaries are such that they need the therapist to put external boundaries into place for them. Information must be checked with other sources of information.

How Assessment Tools Differ

In a mental health population, assessment can quite effectively be done through instruments such as the MMPI-A, BASC, and MACI. These self-report tools are quite sufficient for this population and will elucidate psychological dynamics and mental illness, if present. Self-report is not as much of an issue as it is in the forensic population, where third party verification is more important. However when a youth has multiple problems, both mental health and forensic, a combination of tools is preferred.

Forensic evaluation tools rely less on self-report because of the trust issues and because it is not always in the client's best interest to be completely truthful. Self-report assessment instruments can be used, but third party and official reports should also be used in the evaluation phase of a forensic assessment. Courts are concerned with public safety, therefore, the need for tools that assess future risk of dangerousness to others. Risk of future aggression and sexual behavior problems that have been derived from statistical models (actuarial tools) should be part of the evaluation since clinical assessment of risk of future dangerousness is only a little better than chance. While risk assessments are not perfect, they are better than clinical judgment in this area.

How are Interventions Different?

Major Mental Illnesses, while often chronic, can often be very effectively treated with medication and therapy. At the higher functioning end of the continuum, therapy can be supportive, psychotherapeutic, family, or cognitive behavioral. Therapists are trained to accept what the client presents and start where the client is functioning and how the client sees the world. The clients are usually self-motivated and seek therapy voluntarily. They accept responsibility for their behaviors and for making changes in their lives. Use of a strengths model is often very effective. Many people recover fully and lead quite "normal," non-disrupted lives. When someone is on the lower end of the continuum, with major disruption in every day functioning (work and family),despite medication and therapy, major supports for housing, jobs, and activities of daily living and medication are needed for a very long time, perhaps a life time. However, their life goals are often still pro-social. Serlf-directed care works well with the mental health population without Axis II diagnoses.

In the area of intervention, different approaches are needed for the forensic population. Some level of social and family dysfunction is generally intergenerational and lifelong. These clients are often Court ordered to an assessment or therapy or they are having significant problems at work or within the family causing others to seek assessment or therapy for them. They do not always accept responsibility for their actions or for changing. There are skill deficits that need to be addressed, such as social skills, anger management, and problem solving. You cannot take what these clients say at face value. Third party information is always needed. This is because you need to trust someone in order to be honest with them and most of these folks have been abused, neglected, or exposed to domestic violence and a suspicious arm's length treatment of others is a coping strategy that is difficult to give up.

This population often has multiple problems so that Multi-systemic Therapy that approaches many areas that need to be addressed is often effective (treating the whole person). Group work and trauma therapies are also good tools. Self-directed therapy may not be effective because of the need to protect oneself from what may appear to be an unsafe world. Nurturing, setting good boundaries, and structure are essential in this work. Motivational interviewing and stages of change can be very helpful. When clients have issues in the mental health and forensic arenas, both approaches must be used to the extent possible.

Conclusions

Clients in a mental health setting range from the single diagnosis of a major mental Illness to the dual diagnosis of a major mental illness and a personality disorder and/or forensic/legal issue. The approaches to these dissimilar populations is unique when clients are dually diagnosed, both approaches are needed. Assessments and treatment for a mental health population can be self-directed and strengths based.

However, the approach for the forensic population cannot be self-directed because the client's goals are often antisocial and by definition counter to the best interests of society. The therapist or evaluator cannot accept everything the client says at face value because not being honest is part of the disorder that the therapist is treating. Motivational interviewing seems to blend the views of traditional mental health and forensics in a way that is beneficial for the client and society.

Famous Cars of the '50s

In the wake of the Depression and World War II, prosperity grew in America and a huge demand for cars exploded into the 1950s. Tailfins, chromes and wraparound windshields were the norm; the cars of the 50s have easily become some of the most beautiful and desired cars ever to be made. Let's take a look at some of the most famous automobiles of the decade...

Ford and Chevrolet
Some of the most famous cars of the 1950s were those like Ford and Chevrolet. Each produced family sedans and pick-up trucks but also two-seated roadster cars with extremely powerful engines. Perhaps Chevrolet's most famous offering was the Corvette, and Ford's was undoubtedly the Thunderbird. These two manufacturers effectively competed against each other within the same market in the race to sell cars to the hungry general public during the 1950s. This competition didn't affect each one's sales and both grew considerably, reaping much success, even competing with European manufacturers like Ferrari (now owned by Fiat) and Jaguar.

Cadillac
The Coupe de Ville was easily one of Cadillac's most famous cars. It was luxurious, which was the necessity of the decade for automobiles, but retained a rumbling and powerful engine; this meant that consumers could have both luxury and power in a car. Cadillac was arguably the most popular automobile manufacturer of the 50s and set a record for annual production of over 100,000 cars in 1950 and 1951. Cadillac ownership instantly demanded recognition as being suitably wealthy; one of the most famous owners was Elvis Presley. Captains of industry, Hollywood stars and even common workers (if they saved enough) were proud owners of the popular car.

Over the course of the decade, cars got bigger, more powerful and even more luxurious but they also become safer, more reliable and easier to drive. These cars advanced to become much more efficient and were great value for money, meaning they could be afforded by most people.

Restoring Classic Cars
The 1950s produced some of the best-loved and most-appreciated cars ever to be made and the act of restoring these cars has become increasingly popular all over the world amongst classic car lovers. This can be a great hobby for all 'petrol heads' out there who love the designs and styles of 50s cars. The fun doesn't have to end after the restoration is complete; simply find classic car insurance and head out for a road trip with a difference!

Overcome Depression Permanently By Finding Your Purpose In Life

You can try fighting depression as much as you want, and might even succeed at it temporarily. However, if you do not have a firm goal or purpose to continue living, then it's almost inevitable that you will succumb to the depression again.

Drifting about in life without purpose is one of the most common causes of clinical depression. If you find yourself adrift, if you find yourself wondering why people around you seem to be able to find a purpose strong enough to motivate them every day, even if their purpose seems superficial to you, stop focusing on those negative thoughts and start focusing on setting a positive goal or purpose for yourself.

You might have reasons for viewing society, or life in general, differently than others. You might strongly believe you are right. Perhaps you encountered a rude awakening to "reality" from the perceived falsehood of your previous way of life or your thinking, and now feel completely disconnected from the community you once engaged with actively. However, resentment towards society at large can, without a doubt, lead to severe depression. Perhaps your purpose could be to awaken society to your different viewpoints. This will not happen easily, but again, having a goal to focus on is much better than just wandering aimlessly.

Altruism is a noble goal to pursue. This is why many people report feeling much better when they perform volunteer work. Helping others helps them focus on others' pain instead of their own, and helps them perceive life in a different way. Best of all, altruism is a goal that's never quite finished, which means you can continue keeping your depression at bay as long as you focus on your altruistic goals.

When you have managed to identify your purpose, however lofty it is, you need to plan the small steps you can take to accomplish your goal. Without a solid plan, your purpose is still not properly defined and you are really still just drifting along in life.

If you find that you are constantly failing at your goals, redefine your small steps. Plan out even smaller steps that you can take, so that the success you gain can motivate you to accomplish your main goal. Never lose focus of your larger purpose, unless you now feel it is incongruent with yourself. If that happens, then you must identify another purpose for yourself that is congruent with your new self, before depression takes control of you.

What happens when you actually manage to accomplish the main goals you have set in life? This is a time when you are most vulnerable to depression. Once you do manage to accomplish your goals, you can revel in your success for a time, but you should then start focusing on new goals. Otherwise, the success will be short-lived, and you will find yourself falling into the pit of depression yet again.

Having a purpose in life is key to fighting off depression, and finally overcoming it permanently. Identifying your purpose or goals is not easy, but is necessary if you find yourself adrift in life. A purpose provides you with a sense of worth as well as the motivational push you need to finally climb out of the hole of despair. This purpose does not have to conform to societal standards, nor does it have to be immutable; it is something that is unique to yourself, and something you can personally derive satisfaction from. As you find yourself growing as a person, your purpose can change if it is no longer suitable for you, and this is perfectly fine.

Diagnosing Clinical Depression - The Official Guide

In a recent article, we had a very general look at depression; comparing the symptoms to other mental conditions and showing how careful doctors must be to make certain they diagnose the correct illness.

We also had a look at how cures appear to have come full circle from Anton Mesmer's day to the present, with the FDA approving the use of magnets to 'cure' depression.

We have the vision of some poor individual with a couple of whacking great ingots of iron on either side of their face, wires going everywhere, and eyes going in circles. A good cartoonist would have a field day with this!

Now, on to diagnosing clinical depression. I'm listing this 'official' guide for the diagnosis for depression in a rather truncated form, in part because I don't want to copy it word for word, and also because it makes for pretty dry reading. There are nine symptoms in all, and they're prefaced by the following.

'Five or more of the following symptoms have been present during the same two week period and represent a change from previous functioning. (i.e. prior to the depression setting in). At least one of the symptoms is either depressed mood or loss of interest in pleasurable pastimes.

1. Being in a depressed mood for most of the day, nearly every day.

2. Markedly diminished interest in (almost?) all activities which were previously enjoyed.

3. Provided you're not on a diet, then significant weight loss or weight gain may be experienced. The patient's appetite decreases.

4. Insomnia or hypersomnia, (oversleeping), nearly every night.

5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day. (The patient either shows increased energy through agitation or their pace slows right down).

6. Fatigue and loss of energy every day.

7. Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt.

8. Diminished ability to think and concentrate.

9. Ideation of suicide. (This has to be most carefully watched. All firearms should be hidden, as should as many poisons as possible, although of course there are so many household cleaners that may be used. My personal view is that the patient should be hospitalized as soon as clinical depression is diagnosed, if only for their own safety).

The comments in brackets are my own, either by way of explanation, or through personal experience.

Now, it goes on to state that 'depression can be diagnosed if the symptoms cannot be attributed to bereavement.'

Grieving is a natural response, so therefore depression is simply an out-of-place natural response. So what about the idea that depression is caused by some chemical imbalance in the brain? Wouldn't that make the feelings accompanying bereavement a chemical imbalance in the brain too?

Take it a step or two further and it makes all our emotions chemical imbalances.

And I Made it to Medical School

As a medical student I have many reasons to believe that I am not just another medical student often portrayed as a nerdy, focused, dedicated person. Here is my story of immense struggle, pain, humor and confusion.

"Philosophy! Yes that's what I want to do after finishing school!"- I announced with pride and an intellectual air, sensing almost a discovery of sorts, discovery of my true passion and interest based on my convictions, ideas and daily thought process. Studying for entrance seemed too much of a headache- with all the cramming involved and so much more! Moreover the idea of studying in a medical college didn't fascinate me anymore. The reason why I opted for biology in the 11th grade was because I was planning on studying for the premedical tests but I was just 15 then, realizing that I didn't want to become a doctor but a philosopher at 16 sounded plausible and reasonable to me.

"What?" mom replied back, almost choosing to ignore what I had just said.

"I want to do a course in philosophy," I repeated myself.

"Be serious! Anyway you can do whatever you want after you become a doctor," mom said almost forcibly, so not interested in what I was putting across to her.

"Umm, no but philosophy is what really interests me and I am pretty sure about that."

"You are ruining your life and ours too. What do you want to do? Mop the floors? You have taken up biology! Don't talk like those art students! You are seeking escape from hard work. Nothing in this life comes easy. Be courageous and don't step back from what you have already decided. What will relatives say? It's the most crucial stage of your life, don't pollute yourself with thoughts like these." Mom spoke like she would never stop. Finally she did much to my relief. But I had no idea that this was just the beginning of the long ordeal that was staring me in the face. In school all of my classmates in tenth grade had opted for science with mathematics. So in my class were all new comers from different schools.

It was a big stage for them coming from other schools to a bigger, more sophisticated one. I was projected as this sure shot AIIMS guy, the pride of the school. My sister passed out from the same school and cleared medical entrances in first go and topped the district in 12th boards. So according to the genetic theory of the principle it was only obvious that I am going to match her if not do better than her. My classmates used to envy me, how I wish I could have told them that they were wrong and they wouldn't like to be in my shoes. The teachers used to look at me while teaching. All this I wasn't used to because till tenth I used to be this shy, quiet, studious guy.

Though I was always among the toppers but never got any attention. But now, I was given many liberties- an air conditioned room to study in, in case I thought the classes weren't useful enough, given books free of cost, I was allowed to come to school anytime I wanted to and at any time, allowed to miss tests in schools so that I could concentrate more on my studying for pmt's. All this was done so that I don't shift to another school where I intended to go after tenth. Reasons for that were numerous- more babes! My crush was studying in that school, more extra curricular activities, better students and better teachers. But it didn't happen. The principle visited my house on numerous occasions trying to convince my parents and finally it worked and I had to bear the pain of staying away from my crush.

There were many fights in the house regarding this issue but nothing ever went in my favor and to show my protest I decided to push all the liberties I was given to the limit. Anyway, I didn't really make good friends with anyone in my class. So I saw no fun in going to school. But i enjoyed the attention I was getting in school. I was the most talked about guy even though I attended the least number of classes.

Apart from all that I studied, hard and consistently. I was among the toppers in the coaching classes. The first test I gave there and the events that followed deserve special mention. I had got the second rank and my friend cheated from my paper and ended up getting the first rank. That was bad, considering that it was the first test and everyone was talking about the topper, just the kind of start and image everyone would want. But things went out of hand a few days after the result.

I was sitting with the cheater on the side adjacent to the wall and a gorgeous female of our class was sitting in the next row. She started talking to him sounding impressed and asking him how he studies and stuff. I felt like screaming when I saw that. We were losers when it came to talking to girls and never had the guts to even start a conversation with any girl. All I could do was pretend that I am not listening to what they are talking about. But when they started talking about their families then I could bear it no more. I bent side wards to tell her that he had actually cheated and hence he got the first rank. She ignored or didn't hear what I said. She didn't reply and I didn't try to say it again. They continued talking and I had to spend some really uncomfortable moments after that. Finally when their conversation ended my friend had nothing to say but sorry. I was glad he didn't nag me because then I would have killed him for sure. Though after a few days when he called her she refused to recognize him. I was relieved.

Life changed after that dialogue with mom. Studying became much harder. The rank in coaching classes went tumbling down. I started getting reprimanded regularly by my parents for not studying. My classmates who always hated the importance and liberties given to me laughed at me. Teachers started mocking me for they never really liked someone having the audacity to choose not to attend their lectures. The principle started worrying about my performance too. Life started changing, people started changing.

My crush got to know that I like her "that" way. She called me up and said, "What am I hearing? I called you on my birthday thinking that you're a nice guy and you started thinking about me in that way? How sick can one get? My mom has got to know about this and if my dad gets to know he will shoot you for sure." She hung up. I almost urinated in my pants. I was petrified. This wasn't the end of it though. The principle ordered me to join chemistry tuition classes after school. The batch I was given was the one in which she was studying too with 3 more students. She got to know about this and told everything to the teacher. He thought it was his "duty" to inform my parents about this. He would have fulfilled his duty had my beloved friend in that batch not intervened and explained to the sir that it was all a misunderstanding. I was given a different batch and all the love that may have been left after that phone call flew away. "Narrow minded people," I thought.

Class 11th finals approached near but I was in no state to study. And finally when exams started I didn't feel like studying anything. In the examination hall I didn't feel like attempting the questions whatever little I knew. All I used to do was write songs on the question paper. I flunked and got the lowest marks in the whole school. It was embarrassing, very embarrassing, not something I was used to. But I didn't want to blame myself because I knew that it was something I had no control over. I was too numb, learning the ways of the world too fast for my comfort. My confidence has reached rock bottom. I was increasing more nervous and restless. But still I couldn't study.

Everyone around me changed his or her colors. My friends, my teachers, my parents??? That was something that hurt me the most and my heart ached at the very thought of the things they used to say. "You may get everything in life, but if you don't listen to us I am telling you, you will never be a happy man, never!" Mom used to curse me frequently. I was scolded everyday for not studying. Gradually I began to realize that they didn't love me at all, they were just too stuck on their son and never thought about me as an individual, for if they did, they wouldn't behave the way they did. The teachers always used to taunt me and friends always had something sarcastic to direct at me. I thought my sister would never understand my state of mind because she was too nerdy to understand something like this. A "something" that even I was beginning to get confused about. I didn't know where I was headed. I felt lonely, very lonely. I was promoted to 12th somehow.

Come 12th and I was ordered to attend classes regularly. I somehow managed to do that for 2 weeks but after that I gave up. It was too hard. I couldn't talk to anyone because I was too scared that they would ask me if I were going mad with all my eccentricities. I got depressed. The psychiatrist gave some 'happy pills' and asked my parents to not ask me to study for atleast 3 weeks. I was glad about that. But they started pestering me after the third day. I was too tired to be shocked. They used to get paranoid that 'their son' isn't studying, their son wont clear pmt and their son wont become successful. They were just not able to think about the individual in front of them. They are doctors too and I used to wonder if they really have any clue about the subtle human emotions.

They were too insecure to be of any help. Anytime I used to approach them with my problems they used to start worrying that I am worried and as a result used to vent their anxiety on me. Complex it was! They finally decided to take me to mussourie. It felt great there. But while coming back and on reaching home it was the same story. The walls of the house were threatening to eat me. My brain used to ache with million thoughts attacking me. The pills used to make me sleep all day like a dead body. Though it was a welcome respite from the maddening thoughts but still it was no cure. 'Happy pills' are a result of misconception that science can fathom everything, even the complex emotions. No doubt it's a field beyond logic and can be deciphered only by deeply engrossing oneself into meditation and religion. I finally started feeling bored of the dead life and decided to rise. It wasn't anything revolutionary, simple cause and effect.

I started studying, though it was hard, very hard. I was no way near my best. But something was better than nothing. I 'developed' a crush on a girl in my coaching class. I thought it would help me get back on track and more interested in mundane issues and it worked! It gave me an incentive to live. Incidentally my 'cheater' friend has crush on the same girl. We didn't seem to mind that because we both knew deep inside that we wouldn't go far. I used to spend hours to groom myself before going for the coaching class, used to practice zillion times that perfect line which would make her smile. It all ended abruptly when we saw her making out with some guy after class. It was painful but we had someone to share our sorrows with, each other. It was much better than one of us managing to woo her. We got over her in a few weeks.

My efforts to study were still going on, though a thousand thoughts prompted me to run away from the entire wilderness. My rank was improving but it was no way near what it used to be. I felt I had almost lost that ability to study. I just couldn't study for long hours. It was as if my heart used to disallow me to study because it wasn't something I really wanted to do. But my mind knew that I had just three options-to study, run away or die. I always had to choose the first option. Nothing great. I just never had the guts to do the last two. It was destiny taking full charge of me with I having no say. In fact I was clueless what 'I' was. I used to read books on psychology hoping to find answers to my never ending questions about life and its functioning. I used to hate it when I used to hear my friends in other schools taking part in debates and elocution. I was too much of an introvert to have ever taken part in them in the past and now it wasn't allowed for the biology students in our school. But now I had zeal to speak up and be heard. I had come out of my shell I felt. I had to! Though I never got the chance in school it paved the way for me creating opportunities for myself in future.

The pre boards were drawing near but I was too busy doing objectives for entrances. I thought with whatever little study I do I better study for entrance than study for boards, which I was hoping I would pass anyway. Though I still wanted to get a good score in boards to the keep the philosophy option open in case something works out in the future. But I hadn't studied anything for the boards and I didn't know where to start from, so I didn't till the pre boards came knocking on the door and went away.

I got the lowest in the school and that sounded familiar. I flunked again. But because I hadn't started studying anything for the boards I didn't start it until the principle called my parents (stark contrast from when he used to visit us everyday) and told them that I wouldn't be allowed to give the boards if I don't pass the re test. So a week before the boards I was giving exams in school. I had only those three options and again I chose the first one. One of my parents used to sit with me not allowing me to go anywhere else. I just had to study and I hated them for that. Somehow I was allowed to sit for the boards.

The first physics exam I found exceptionally tough. The last hour in the examination hall was spent analyzing the job prospects for a tenth pass twelfth fail guy. I thought I would get a clerical job in a bank for sure. The other exams that followed went ok. Though till one month after that physics paper everyday I used to calculate my marks and every time it used to fall a few marks short of the passing score. Finally the result came out and I passed with an 83 percent and I got the same marks individually in physics.

I was convinced that CBSE sucks because I expected around 97 in tenth and ended up getting just 90 (I was a nerd then). But the real things, the entrances, were still left. I had this weird confidence that I would be able to clear them no doubt. I had got into the habit of locking myself into the room and listening to songs and lying down the whole day. That doesn't sound too different but it was considering that it was literally the whole day. I used to wonder that my parents haven't noticed that as they would be thinking that I am busy studying and wouldn't even care to ask me if I am ok. But after some time they always got to know when I was lying down in my room. i used to draw all the curtain and even plug the key hole with bits of papers but still they got to know. I scanned the room for any hidden cameras but couldn't find anything. So every time I used to lie down during day time one of the parents used to bang the locked door hurling abuses. Finally I was not allowed to lock the room and 'study'.

As was the case before boards someone used to supervise me while studying. But I got into the practice of just staring at the book and turning pages at regular intervals hence leading them into thinking that I was studying, whereas I used to be lost in my own world. World that can't be described by words. May be it was reality.

The result of entrances started coming out and I didn't clear any of them. For a change I was alarmed because the prospect of dropping a year and staying home seemed dangerous for the health of all of us. I wanted badly to go away from home. Again nothing great, just simple cause and effect. The next two entrances were one month away. So it was practically one last chance. And I studied at an average of eight productive hour's everyday. I cleared one of them. I was relieved but not happy. My parents were mad with happiness and that made me angry but I kept quiet. And a week after the result I saw myself sitting on a chair made of air with some people threatening to slap me. Any guesses?